Crystal cut swirling chandeliers, domed string lights, gold-diamond-pearl clad -- there doesn't end the showmanship of God.
A temple. People come and go. Some beg mercy. Others praise him. Some others complain. But they all seek Him all the same. The showmanship grows, I wish I could simply believe it. I wish I could seek Him. Or not. Any which way -- with dedication and firm foot. I wish I could look at those swirling lights and call it His creation. I really wish.
I wish I could bow in tremendous respect sitting far from the idol like my uncle does. Or just turn my back with great indifference/ innocence like the child that just ran inside the sanctum sanctorum not recognizing what all the fuss was about only to return to the toffee in his mom's bag.
I wish I could not be jealous of all the saints who were divinely appointed to do good in the world. Their conflicts seem to be non-existent. But so do the conflicts of saints who believe in a truth completely opposite to what my saints believe in.
I wish I believed God pointed out a material approach to life. I wish I believed that the Hindu Gods are so "scientifically advanced" that they prove theories of evolution right. I wish I could fight for these greater causes to save God and to save humanity. I wish I had the conviction to fight those fights.
Or I wish I had a "liberal" point of view where God is a -- what-is-it -- "a human construct". I wish I believed whole-heartedly that all is political. I wish I believed this God factor was a phallocentric whatever-ness in the world. I wish I believed it was all just a power game between masculinities and femininities. I wish I could stand up for the oppressed Gods and disregard the privileged ones.
I wish I could drape a saree, change my appearance and be amongst believers. Or I wish I could go bald and belong amongst non-believers. But, at the end of the day, I know I wouldn't belong to either sides. And I know I cannot take the mid-path either.
I wish I could just believe. Anything that inspires me. And trust. Beyond questions and doubts. For questions are starting to become more absolute than the subject itself. I wish I knew better. I wish.
