of 'wanting' to be zen and the irony of it...

I woke up this morning feeling fresh and beautiful...wanting to stay by myself...wanting to feel warm...wanting to stay as zen as possible.

I woke up to the sweet fragrance of jasmine offered to the Lord....it had filled the entire house...as I saw how simple life was to my parents, I smiled at my own futility. How complex I make life seem when it’s simple and full of beauty. How is it that i miss to gauge all the wonderful things and how is it that i manage to sulk about just everything in life!

I savoured every sip of my tea and contemplated zen.

my cup of tea looked nothing as exotic :P

What is it that makes me overlook the beautiful things! Why is it that i fall short of appreciating the little things! Why is it that I magnify superfluous things!

I must be philosophically challenged I thought and an almost non-existent laughter escaped my lips.

As I wondered about life and my equation with the people around, the jasmine scent that had filled the house earlier was taken over by the odour of masala dosa my mom was preparing. I could truly smell and feel the south Indian stereotype I read in books and blogs...the comfort i got in all that was just too beautiful to express. The earthy feeling of home, of owning people, of memories, and of being a part of something modest unfurling in the larger picture - a feel that is unparalleled.

What is it that i really want! I started wondering!

I want comfort and austerity at the same time!

It’s tricky.

My mother called me for breakfast and i was wondering if i should settle for dosa or should i demand for something else. She had an alternative in her mind already. I wouldn’t opt for that either. I demanded something simple and fresh in the name of austerity. That was when i felt like i was mocking myself.

The grand expectations of life from life have miraculously taken precedence over the sheer joy of the everyday! The still, the calm, the serene have made way for so much noise without me noticing it. The eye for beauty has been replaced by a cynic vision.

The quest for truth has taken detours and witnessed way too many ugly scenes in the periphery. The grandeur of the journey has taken a blow.

No matter how messy it gets, I am sure it’ll all add up to the greatness that life is!

[is this a voice of hope or wisdom I wonder!]

I shall now order for some more tea...here’s both hope and wisdom operating for you! Ha!

something vanishing

While the world turns, we go on with our little lives and try to "make it large"

We all think that we are the center of every relationship that comes our way. We soon realise that we are but playing a small role in the lives of other people. We are what others think and say we are. We exist but only in relations.

Now I see why Ayn Rand condemns selflessness calling it false and pretentious. I second her! I think, being selfish is close to being healthy.

Selflessness is a mask that we all wear. We can grow tired of it sometime when we come face to face with truth. But most of us shy away from the Truth and convince ourselves to stay there, in that limited space, forever. Haven't you seen the happy faces with tired eyes all around you? I am tired of looking for the eye with the spark in the mirror. I do not want to trust my own reflection! I often shout at it, "you are a liar!". It shouts back at me, "YOU are a liar".

Each one of us have a fantasized notion of oneself - a superhero like image! We think our ideas and actions will save the world. Tragic as it is, most of us fall short in trying to save ourselves let alone others. We always demanded a world of thinking and self righteous individuals, didnt we?

Here we are. We have built a generation on self-centered ideals and pretense.

Some of us will realise that this little ride is simply not worth the drama while some others will be tricked into the belief of achievement.

Our insignificance as a race echoes in my being; or should i say, MY insignificance as an individual echoes in my being!

There's got to be more than what appears to be true. There's got to be a deeper truth beyond pretense. There's got to be beauty in the world.

of life and times...

Some of us are happy and cheerful about the present, some of us are busy making future plans, and some of us are cribbing about the past, while some of us balance everything just fine.

Life isn’t fair, I used to tell my professor at college. She used to agree, mostly. Life isn’t fair Shruthi, she used to reassure (?).

Does life become unfair when we lose the so-called "balance" in life? Or is it us who do not recognize the rather flirtatious nature of life!

Some moments freeze and leave you wondering whether they belong to the past or the present.

Some moments run so fast; as though mimicking an episode from the future.

Sometimes your heart pounds, sometimes you feel calm and serene. And some other times, you experience it all at the same time.

And sometimes a long walk, a small conversation, a genuine smile can mean much more than luxurious drives, grand talks, and joyous laughter.

Worse still, sometimes someone's glance equals a conversation with someone else.

Unfair it seems to the untrained eye!

The early mornings on the terrace with the sun, a cup of tea and an old novel in hand.

The late nights watching the moon and the stars glow while we conspire, in pace with the universe, our life in our favour.

Good times these are!

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My most recent discovery has been the underlying arrogance in me. Oh how good I felt when someone called my writing aggressive.

Arrogance and aggression! well, so much for being zen! ;)