and so I turned 20...

“I am blasphemy and religion, pure and impure;

Old, young, and a small child.

If I die, don’t say that she died.

Say she was dead, became alive, and was taken by the Beloved.”

Those were my exact thoughts while I was reflecting and introspecting my life so far. That’s how I want to live my life. What if I were dead this minute? Can I still say ‘I was taken by the Beloved’? I wasn’t sure. So rarely do we recognize that ‘death is an integral part of life’. And such a recognition always happens to me on my birthday. As gloomy as it may seem, I wanted this birthday to be special. I wanted to spend the last few hours of my 19th year all by myself. But I didn’t have anything in particular to do. I had to keep myself awake till 12’o clock. So I picked a book from my shelf and started reading. It was Murakami’s ‘Norwegian Wood’. The protagonists in the book also turn 20 and that’s how the book interested me. Their world didn’t reflect any bit of mine. But I kept reading, I was curious. Before I knew, I had finished half the book. I skipped my dinner thinking it’d eat up the precious last hours of my 19. I was listening to beautiful songs composed by the celebrated Daasaru. Some of the lines effortlessly sum up my life as though that’s all I’m worth – 2 lines!  I was playing ‘kemperit ambaradi’ on loop and played Swarathma’s ‘duur kinara’ every now and then.

The song claims to have found a story. I have made several such bold claims too. Time and again, I have cried at the top of my voice that I have made it HOME. I’d see a door and say ‘I’m home!’ before finding the keys to the lock. Some other times I’d say I’m home looking at an unlocked door which is latched from inside. I’d violently scream to have the door opened but I’d hear not a whisper from inside. My life’s been full of such experiences.

I was sleepy. It was not not even 11 yet. I went back to ‘Norwegian Wood’. The narrator was faintly trying to inspire the reader to think of beauty and happiness. I kept looking at the clock once in a while.

With a mattress in hand, I sneaked out to the terrace. I lay there in the chill looking at the almost-full-moon. The more I looked at the sky, the more number of tiny stars revealed themselves. I was hoping to catch sight of a falling star to make a wish. I waited patiently. I heard dogs howling at a distance while my stomach was growling in hunger. I got up and went back to my room. Tears had long dried up. It was 12:07. I curled up in my bed. ‘My clock is ten minutes fast’, was the last thought to pass by before sleep crept in. and so I turned 20. Happy Birthday to me.