As I sit down to write I feel weak and frustrated. I do not know where I am heading. I do not know where I come from. I do not know where I am at the present moment. I'm lost and lonely. My life is nowhere close to what I imagined it to be. I wanted to fly merrily in my backyard and at the same time conquer far away lands. The fresh breeze in my country as I imagined would embrace me and the flower would bloom at my arrival. The exotic virgin lands would open its arms and share its secrets with me. The endless night sky would wait for me to enjoy a view of it while I rest on the calm seashore. The clear water of the ever-flowing rivers never missed to make it to my dreams. Now I look back and I laugh at my imaginings as I struggle to crawl in my backyard to look at the glory of the vast world on my computer screen. Who do I think I am? Someone from the royal family? What right do I have to dream, and dream so big?
It's not that I have given up chasing dreams. it's just that my dreams have blurred. I used to have such clear cut plans and goals for life. I was in class 8 when I decided I wanted to study literature for life and be a journalist for a living. But now, I don't know what I want to do. I have both literature and journalism at my disposal to explore and exploit. But a dampness has crept in. Even my short term plans are vague and mostly miss the point. I have absolutely no long term plans. To think I'm going with the flow is foolishness. For there's no flow at all. My life's stagnated and I'm worried. I'm clueless.
One thing I know for sure. I'm not here to pay the bills, follow orders, have a family, grow old, and die. That's not why I'm here. The problem being, I'm not super intelligent to invent something out of thin air and make a living out of it. I have no idea why I'm here. Everyone has a purpose in life, the wise say. What is mine? I'm scared I'll never find out what mine is. I'm scared I'll drift away from the quest for life and its purpose. The heavy storm seems too close. And I might not make it to the shore. I'm more apprehensive than ever. There's not one field that I can call my own. No expertise in a single field. What kind of a life is this! I don't want to be a literature student who manages finance in an NGO and gets a heavy pay.
As I attempt a feeble look within my worn out self, I feel as though the entire world is conspiring against my wellness. I believe there's light. I'm hoping to catch the traces of light if not all of it.It's not that I have given up chasing dreams. it's just that my dreams have blurred. I used to have such clear cut plans and goals for life. I was in class 8 when I decided I wanted to study literature for life and be a journalist for a living. But now, I don't know what I want to do. I have both literature and journalism at my disposal to explore and exploit. But a dampness has crept in. Even my short term plans are vague and mostly miss the point. I have absolutely no long term plans. To think I'm going with the flow is foolishness. For there's no flow at all. My life's stagnated and I'm worried. I'm clueless.
One thing I know for sure. I'm not here to pay the bills, follow orders, have a family, grow old, and die. That's not why I'm here. The problem being, I'm not super intelligent to invent something out of thin air and make a living out of it. I have no idea why I'm here. Everyone has a purpose in life, the wise say. What is mine? I'm scared I'll never find out what mine is. I'm scared I'll drift away from the quest for life and its purpose. The heavy storm seems too close. And I might not make it to the shore. I'm more apprehensive than ever. There's not one field that I can call my own. No expertise in a single field. What kind of a life is this! I don't want to be a literature student who manages finance in an NGO and gets a heavy pay.
the quest for light |