concord of mind

I see myself returning to what I was earlier. I can no longer fake peace. I can no longer fake smile. I was happy and satisfied when I was myself without having to worry about anyone or anything. I was so much happier when I could think freely without being called philosophical; when I could enjoy my walk without being called a zen practitioner; when I could have my say without having to attribute that thought to someone "great"; when I could read what I wanted without being called spiritual; when I could spread light and love without being called a "star-seed"; when I could appreciate things for what they were from a distance without the awareness of it being the "first step" to "enlightenment". I was happy the way I was: ignorant and easily pleased.

Things are not the same anymore. I don't intend to either DO philosophy or BE spiritual. I don't intend to look at the world through rose coloured glasses, nor do I intend to look at life through rainbow coloured eyes like many suggest.

There is a shift in the way i'm seeing things. I consider this to be a new beginning. All I want to do is breathe the air, drink the drink, share a smile and celebrate.

© Shilpa Nagraj

beyond the tenacious quest for enlightenment

I look around and all I see is pretense. where has the zest for life disappeared? There are people who pretend to be living, intelligent, spiritual, involved, responsible, happy, caring, religious, 'doing' philosophy, and there are others who put up an 'I dont care' attitude.

"The World is like a ride in an amusement park, and when you choose to go on it you think it's real, because that's how powerful our minds are," they say.

'Get over it,' - I tell myself now 'Dont get caught in this bottomless pit.'

I desperately want to get over these seemingly intelligent questions like what is life? what it means to live? What is reality? what is truth - the larger truth? I have grown to despise and detest such questions. I'm longing to see the naked truth. The hidden Truth behind the beautiful masks. I feel numb and maladjusted to my environment. I hate myself to have been caught in the tenacious quest for enlightenment. To say I had a Buddha moment is different from actually having been through a Buddha moment. I curse the many days i spent reading spiritual texts and thinking that life here is temporary. I was stupid enough to believe I'll be jeevanmukt and that I don't have to worry about the happenings around me. By thinking that the world is an illusion, I was caught in another sort of illusion without even realizing. An illusion nonetheless. How frivolous could I have been... Today when I see the 'new agers' I loathe those fake smiles and words.

I hate myself for having broken down every line of poems and 'great' lines to make meaning out of them; to read the multiple texts that lay behind words; between lines...unwritten...forgotten perhaps...

Having lost all the innocence, I still sense a ray of hope in me. I might not like to be addressed  as Shakti or Spirit or Light, but I should admit I have learnt quite a bit along the journey. With these learnings I look forward to witness the rising horizon very soon. When? how? I have no clue.