Friday, December 28, 2012

and so I turned 20...

“I am blasphemy and religion, pure and impure;
Old, young, and a small child.
If I die, don’t say that she died.
Say she was dead, became alive, and was taken by the Beloved.”

Those were my exact thoughts while I was reflecting and introspecting my life so far. That’s how I want to live my life. What if I were dead this minute? Can I still say ‘I was taken by the Beloved’? I wasn’t sure. So rarely do we recognize that ‘death is an integral part of life’. And such a recognition always happens to me on my birthday. As gloomy as it may seem, I wanted this birthday to be special. I wanted to spend the last few hours of my 19th year all by myself. But I didn’t have anything in particular to do. I had to keep myself awake till 12’o clock. So I picked a book from my shelf and started reading. It was Murakami’s ‘Norwegian Wood’. The protagonists in the book also turn 20 and that’s how the book interested me. Their world didn’t reflect any bit of mine. But I kept reading, I was curious. Before I knew, I had finished half the book. I skipped my dinner thinking it’d eat up the precious last hours of my 19. I was listening to beautiful songs composed by the celebrated Daasaru. Some of the lines effortlessly sum up my life as though that’s all I’m worth – 2 lines!  I was playing ‘kemperit ambaradi’ on loop and played Swarathma’s ‘duur kinara’ every now and then.
The song claims to have found a story. I have made several such bold claims too. Time and again, I have cried at the top of my voice that I have made it HOME. I’d see a door and say ‘I’m home!’ before finding the keys to the lock. Some other times I’d say I’m home looking at an unlocked door which is latched from inside. I’d violently scream to have the door opened but I’d hear not a whisper from inside. My life’s been full of such experiences.

I was sleepy. It was not not even 11 yet. I went back to ‘Norwegian Wood’. The narrator was faintly trying to inspire the reader to think of beauty and happiness. I kept looking at the clock once in a while.

With a mattress in hand, I sneaked out to the terrace. I lay there in the chill looking at the almost-full-moon. The more I looked at the sky, the more number of tiny stars revealed themselves. I was hoping to catch sight of a falling star to make a wish. I waited patiently. I heard dogs howling at a distance while my stomach was growling in hunger. I got up and went back to my room. Tears had long dried up. It was 12:07. I curled up in my bed. ‘My clock is ten minutes fast’, was the last thought to pass by before sleep crept in. and so I turned 20. Happy Birthday to me.

Friday, December 21, 2012

To life, honesty and beyond!

We all have a choice. I’m talking about the simple things in life. Right now, it’s my choice whether to write or not. I also get to choose what I want to write. Similarly, I get to choose what I want to see in a person. I can, by all means, look at a person as a selfish creature or choose to see the diamond within.
Since its Christmas time, my class at the university decided to look at the good things in life and people around us. So, each of us chose to say NICE things about each other with as much conviction possible. The person on the spot got to hear all the flowery things from everyone in class, professors included. It was that kind of an exercise where none of us were looking to please or compete. I for one was trying to recollect the memories I have had with the others in class which was in itself a feel good experience. We were all looking for the right words to express certain things that we really couldn’t and ended up saying how everyone loves everyone. That’s what matters at the end of the day, isn’t it? There’s so much goodness in the world that we don’t really have to look for the negatives and ruin our wonderful time here.
In spite of feeling very close to everyone in class, I also felt a degree of detachment. Not in the sense that I felt lonely, but when I heard beautiful sentences thrown at me, I could see how nothing else matters but beauty and Truth. It’s astonishing how so many people had so many great things to say about you. I’m extremely happy not only because I was assured that the world likes me but because we are all capable of seeing goodness in the world. This goodness is beyond comprehension but is very evident for those who choose to see it.
Frankly, when we started the whole activity, I thought we’ll all end up cooking beautiful lies about each other. But it turned out to be entirely different. I didn’t see a single pretentious soul there. Each had the honesty that we always thrive to live up to. I realised how important everyone you meet in your life actually is. We might not consciously notice it but we are all impacted by the people in our lives at some level. And I’m extremely thankful for everyone being who they are. Now I know what it means to spread Love and Light.
Be grateful for whoever comes,
because each has been sent
as a guide from beyond.
Rumi