Life as it is...

Death! Death is a part of LIFE they say. But I know how difficult it is to accept death as a part of life. Over the past few years I have seen many tragedies in my family. Both my grandmothers passing away were the first couple of blows I clearly remember. I cried. I cried everyday when my dad's mom passed away. It was a hard blow. She was the closest to me. I still love her more than anyone else. Life IS difficult without her. She was probably the only person I was attached to. Very attached indeed. My mom's mom wasn't very close to me. She was a very orthodox person, more than the other Granny. But I still cried when she passed away. Both deaths happened in successive years in the same dark room in my house. It was difficult to come out of it. My dad's mom was a writer. She has written about 11 books on mythology. No, I'm not bragging. I'm telling you that she was an informed person. she used to teach me Kannada whenever I listened to her. I used to go places with her. I knew all her friends. I used to go to all the spiritual discourses she attended. I slept next to her. I ate only if she fed me. I loved her. I still do. I troubled her a lot. I know I was a monster. I stole the pens she wrote with. I stole her papers. I stole her mint. I loved her. I still do. I wish she was with me till today. I miss her. I really do.

In 3rd and 4th grades I lost both my grannies. But I still didn't know what death was like. I was a kid. An ignorant kid. Later, I saw another death. that of my cousin. I was shocked. I didn't cry. Another death followed in the family. I began to wonder what the other world would be like. There has been a series of deaths in the family since then. Yesterday also there was one. I now begin to wonder if I have become numb to death. I express no strong grief these days. Yes, I felt sad for a few minutes. But it wasn't difficult to overcome. As already mentioned, I have seen quite a number of deaths. Every time I saw people flowing in to share the sorrow of the family at loss, I started to wonder if it was just for formality sake. People spoke of all the good things about the dead person whether they liked them or not. There were stories describing how nice the person was. Stories describing how lucky the person was. People usually come in from all parts of the world. I overheard my uncle speak yesterday. He was saying that there was no need of political correctness. I saw a point there. A few laughed at him behind his back. Touch your heart and ask yourself...wasn't what he said correct? Why do we put on a mask? why show that you are sad when you actually aren't? why not be true to yourself?

I, personally, haven't connected to anyone as I have to my Granny and to a certain extent my parents. I might trouble them but I love them. I don't have that sort of connection with anyone else. I can never love anyone as much as I loved my Granny. She meant the world to me. Tears roll down my cheeks every time I think of her. But no emotion is evoked when I think of anyone else. I'm just being honest. Let's face it. Let's leave everything to the person who controls all this. Let's leave it to the Almighty. We just have to be true to what we are. We shouldn't fool ourselves. Let's not fake emotions. It won't take us anywhere.