As I sit down to write I feel weak and frustrated. I do not know where I am heading. I do not know where I come from. I do not know where I am at the present moment. I'm lost and lonely. My life is nowhere close to what I imagined it to be. I wanted to fly merrily in my backyard and at the same time conquer far away lands. The fresh breeze in my country as I imagined would embrace me and the flower would bloom at my arrival. The exotic virgin lands would open its arms and share its secrets with me. The endless night sky would wait for me to enjoy a view of it while I rest on the calm seashore. The clear water of the ever-flowing rivers never missed to make it to my dreams. Now I look back and I laugh at my imaginings as I struggle to crawl in my backyard to look at the glory of the vast world on my computer screen. Who do I think I am? Someone from the royal family? What right do I have to dream, and dream so big?
It's not that I have given up chasing dreams. it's just that my dreams have blurred. I used to have such clear cut plans and goals for life. I was in class 8 when I decided I wanted to study literature for life and be a journalist for a living. But now, I don't know what I want to do. I have both literature and journalism at my disposal to explore and exploit. But a dampness has crept in. Even my short term plans are vague and mostly miss the point. I have absolutely no long term plans. To think I'm going with the flow is foolishness. For there's no flow at all. My life's stagnated and I'm worried. I'm clueless.
One thing I know for sure. I'm not here to pay the bills, follow orders, have a family, grow old, and die. That's not why I'm here. The problem being, I'm not super intelligent to invent something out of thin air and make a living out of it. I have no idea why I'm here. Everyone has a purpose in life, the wise say. What is mine? I'm scared I'll never find out what mine is. I'm scared I'll drift away from the quest for life and its purpose. The heavy storm seems too close. And I might not make it to the shore. I'm more apprehensive than ever. There's not one field that I can call my own. No expertise in a single field. What kind of a life is this! I don't want to be a literature student who manages finance in an NGO and gets a heavy pay.
As I attempt a feeble look within my worn out self, I feel as though the entire world is conspiring against my wellness. I believe there's light. I'm hoping to catch the traces of light if not all of it.It's not that I have given up chasing dreams. it's just that my dreams have blurred. I used to have such clear cut plans and goals for life. I was in class 8 when I decided I wanted to study literature for life and be a journalist for a living. But now, I don't know what I want to do. I have both literature and journalism at my disposal to explore and exploit. But a dampness has crept in. Even my short term plans are vague and mostly miss the point. I have absolutely no long term plans. To think I'm going with the flow is foolishness. For there's no flow at all. My life's stagnated and I'm worried. I'm clueless.
One thing I know for sure. I'm not here to pay the bills, follow orders, have a family, grow old, and die. That's not why I'm here. The problem being, I'm not super intelligent to invent something out of thin air and make a living out of it. I have no idea why I'm here. Everyone has a purpose in life, the wise say. What is mine? I'm scared I'll never find out what mine is. I'm scared I'll drift away from the quest for life and its purpose. The heavy storm seems too close. And I might not make it to the shore. I'm more apprehensive than ever. There's not one field that I can call my own. No expertise in a single field. What kind of a life is this! I don't want to be a literature student who manages finance in an NGO and gets a heavy pay.
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| the quest for light |
8 comments:
Oh I loved it :)... i can see myself of 5 years back..with similar thoughts...of having no clue at all. Don't worry!! everybody goes through the same doubts.
Regarding Dreams: do you think everybody who achieved something was super intelligent???? It's hard work that counts..not the intelligence...
A famous anecdote of a violinst
"Isaac Stern was once confronted by a middle age lady after a concert. She gushed "Oh, I'd give my life to play like you!"
"Lady", said Stern acidly, "That I did!"
"
and what is wrong in paying bills, following orders etc??? do super intelligent don't do that?? that would be insulting to many others for whom having two square meals a day is a challenge... insulting to many mothers who sacrifice so much in their lives for their sons and daughters.. will you call their lives ordinary?? even they have dreams...though it's for their children..
it took me a long time to realise that giving your 100% in anything one does gives one the ultimate satisfaction...
I read somewhere...
"Life does not have a purpose;Life is the purpose "
It's great to be an expert..but you miss out on so many other things you might get to learn otherwise if you are not one...imagine how much varied your skill set would be if you are managing finance (lit and fin don't go together usually i tell u) for an NGO(doing social work) by being a literature student..
don't try too hard...just do well in whatever you are doing..you'll feel happy and satisfied...and some day you'll find your calling :)
(too much gyaan ...but i thought at some point even I felt the same). P.S. and please do let me know if long comments bore the hell out of you...
Namaste Shruthi!
I guess most of us go through the same situation , an inner conflict.
Don't you think the more we question, the more complicated it becomes and we confuse our own conscience as we try to make the choices clearer which in turn makes the choosing difficult.
so, i feel its the right time to explore more about "Just being" by looking for sign and following the omens!
~Not an advice, just an assurance.
Thank u :)
thank you Aviral. :) I wait for long comments! :D
I think you are right. the everyday duties need to be adhered to. I read somewhere that Zen is not about thinking of God while peeling potatoes but it is about peeling potatoes.
sometimes it's so much better to be a jack of all. but i wonder if that'll take us any further.
thanks again. I can get restless but I still am waiting for my calling like everyone else.
Shilpa, namaste :)
like socrates said, an unexamined life is not worth living. contemplating life is part of being I guess. I sure will look for signs and omens. :) thank you for the assurance. :)
hi shruthi,
you know once i was once in this state of purposelessness and was talking to a teacher and she told me that even she felt something like that the previous day and added jokingly that though she would like to think of it as some intellectual or spiritual internal conflict, but alas it was just boredom !
So, similarly sometimes these are very simple things and with time they get sorted... maybe there's a simple enough reason behind all our problems :)
you write very well and its good that in the times when people are living just for the heck of it indulging in superficial lifestyles seeking anodynes that take them away from their soul and the soul of the world.. you are so aware, so awake to life and its experiences and embrace all the conflicts and also all the joys... i guess if we all learn to live life fully, respect all the experiences all the way then there is some purpose to our existence !
Prashant, only boredom can do this to life. :D if we were occupied we wouldn't have time to think about the purpose of life. we'd be happy living life. :)
thank you for the comment. :)
Just came across your blog , a nice one at that! Do read at tinybuddha.com , that's my source of signs and omens :) and no this is not a spam comment or a promotional one either :P Good day to you! :)
haha will check that out. thank you. :)
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