The Birthday Post

Note to self: I should stop sounding clueless in all my blogposts. I'm 21 and ought to be more decisive and balanced. Alright.

Each birthday we sit and wonder, oh God! how fast time flies! So what have I done lately? What has changed in the last year? It hasn't been the mad and lovely chase for beauty in the little things anymore. I have broadened (?) my perspective and started looking at the big things as well. Parents and family. you know...that kind. I have lost the wisdom of a 20 year old. I can sense it. The job is getting to me. The eye for everything beautiful is giving way to idk what! My dad thinks I'll become a politician at work :P because I wanted to complain about someone not working. [WHAT has become of me! :D] My dad snapped at me saying, hello! mind your own business!
I should. I should. Thank God for parents! :)

Whatelse...ummm...let me think!

Joy drunk I should be. But I haven't read as much as I would have liked. I did graduate and get my first job and all the fancy things people brag about. But you know every happy story has too many buts attached... The coming year will be rid of the ifs and buts hopefully! And I'll get to read a lot and find a lot more time for myself.

We are constantly rediscovering ourselves. And I have learned that I don't really act until and unless I set challenges for myself. So here it is...

I shall try to be more truthful in my writing. I often feel...I think Allen Ginsberg (or was it my teacher?) said that we are hardly ever truthful in what we write. And if we ever write the truest of our feelings, people will never read it. Because it's so bitter and full of life. Maybe not. Maybe there are as many beautiful things to say as there are bitter stories that need to be shared. I want to be able to tell those stories while I intently listen to others. I want to cut the edge and say things that connect to ME in the first place! I want to be able to read it a decade later and say "hey I know that feeling!"

I shall read a minimum of 36 books in the coming year. I also have an MA programme to attend. And this job can get a li'l too tiring at times. So I hope I shall live upto my challenge.

I shall sit and sort every tag I have given to my posts. because there are way too many in the hiding. I shall do something about it and make my blog neat and searchable.

Hope my day and year will be one to remember. Now back to work i guess!

oh and I love my b'day dress. It's a combination of yellow and magenta sorts! :D

send in your wishes. I feel loved and don't mind some more of it! :) Mark the date. 27th Dec :D :)

ciao!

blessed be the world

to share is to love ♡

Finally i get to post something here. After so many attempts at trying to write while i travel, I've made time to write. I'm at work so this is just a li'l thing I wanted to share.

☆  to love is to live.

☆  this picture below reminded me of an old wishlist I had drawn up as a kid. I had a blue bicycle and gave it away to my cousin when i came to high school. But then I wanted a green bicycle so bad that I cried at home and wrote my first wishlist.

I WANT A GREEN CYCLE!

I'm not sure if i find it a bit shameful but I try to avoid looking at that book on my desk! What memories can do is force you to stop your daze at work and actually blog! it's nothing much but I had to share it.

After all, to share is to love. . .

justice undone

God is just they say.
How long can we go on like this! Who's ever gonna change it!
I don't know much about religion; I don't know that much about Social Justice either...but the present condition is getting on me!
Inequality in terms of previliges? for what wrong? 

bygone indignation. . .

I was scanning through some old papers and came across an answer sheet which had all the indignation that defined my existence...

I'm not sure if I have taken the idea from elsewhere but this is what I had written. I was talking of how a cry of woman forms the foundation of faith.
And I have said, we needed a Mary to tell us that what happened to Jesus was true; we needed Buddha's wife to be ordained to keep his faith transparent; we needed Lakshmi to validate the story of Vishnu. This is true of all worlds.

Even if it's not all that profound, phew! what guts I had :D

I probably don't even dare to think that way now. What has become of me I wonder! :)

Happy Mornings :)

happy mornings are those when the security guard says hi with a slant instead of the usual good morning madam as you enter office.

happy mornings are those when your bus overtakes the one you just missed.

happy mornings are those when you wake up smiling for reasons unknown.

happy mornings are those when your mom hands over a cup of tea when you've asked for coffee and you gulp it down without noticing a thing.

happy mornings are those when you feel you're under total control.

happy mornings are those when you share a laugh as soon as you come to work.

happy mornings are those when you think you'll write an article that'll be happily approved by everyone for the sheer quality of it :D

happy morning are those that remind you how blessed you are!

happy morning coffee at work!

happy morning people :)

. . .

Aug 5th. The day I joined work.

I have been wanting to blog all about the excitement of my first day, first article, first month, first pay-cheque. Somehow I haven't been able to decide what my mind makes of my heart.

So here's the deal I have gotten myself into. Content Executive is the fancy designation they have given me. I write full-time for NativePlanet - Oneindia's travel website. Travel writing was my secret dream. Travel, meet people, discover lands, discover yourself and write. But it turns out that I only get to imagine travel and write. So the journey isn't as incredible as I'd dreamt but it's close enough.

nothing too grand, nothing too plain...

I write with a passion to travel. The many histories and narratives of a land or even just a pillar is almost transcendental. Everytime I write, I want to be able to read it myself and appreciate the story I've conveyed. I'm not sure whether I'm reaching the reader with the same depth at which a particular story affects me. The grandeur of the Hoysalas or the Chalukyas and their great fall; the beauty of their architecture – it resounds in deep corners of my being. But in words, they are not quite what I want them to be.

Sometimes my words steal the thunder of the story itself. And some other times I don't really have a story to tell and I trick the reader (or rather myself) with words. A metaphor here, a rhyme there, and I have created an article out of nothing. I'm asked to write a couple of articles everyday and it's not easy to tell a story each time that connects to everyone.

Once, when I wrote a very dear piece on something rather abstract, I was bluntly asked to write about top 5 hotels in Maharashtra! Can you imagine! Top 5 hotels??! Who cannot write that! I took it so personally, like I do with most things, that I made a huge fuss of it at home. My articles sometimes go too far in trying to reflect my opinions on several things. My subtle hints at the politics of ecotourism and postcolonialism and deconstruction-ism have hardly ever been noticed.

A few days back I wrote an article with all my heart. I wanted close readers to enjoy it. The slide headings were arranged in alphabetical order and I was, say, proud of it. But the result? Not a single reader in my close circles noticed it. Another fail attempt. Such experiences and work pressure force me to write half-hearted travel reports. But my constant fight with myself gets me to write something that I can be proud of. It doesn't matter who reads or who doesn't. To master the task while I'm at it is my motto. I do not want to sit in the future and change anything from my past.

It's Oct 15^th. I don't know if better things await me. Yet. But for now, I want to be able to make the best of things in hand today.

[This approach – the teenage-ish sense of rightfulness of action (sorts) - suits me, doesn't it?!]

Also, here's where you can catch my latest articles...
http://www.nativeplanet.com/authors/shruthi.html

of 'wanting' to be zen and the irony of it...

I woke up this morning feeling fresh and beautiful...wanting to stay by myself...wanting to feel warm...wanting to stay as zen as possible.

I woke up to the sweet fragrance of jasmine offered to the Lord....it had filled the entire house...as I saw how simple life was to my parents, I smiled at my own futility. How complex I make life seem when it’s simple and full of beauty. How is it that i miss to gauge all the wonderful things and how is it that i manage to sulk about just everything in life!

I savoured every sip of my tea and contemplated zen.

my cup of tea looked nothing as exotic :P

What is it that makes me overlook the beautiful things! Why is it that i fall short of appreciating the little things! Why is it that I magnify superfluous things!

I must be philosophically challenged I thought and an almost non-existent laughter escaped my lips.

As I wondered about life and my equation with the people around, the jasmine scent that had filled the house earlier was taken over by the odour of masala dosa my mom was preparing. I could truly smell and feel the south Indian stereotype I read in books and blogs...the comfort i got in all that was just too beautiful to express. The earthy feeling of home, of owning people, of memories, and of being a part of something modest unfurling in the larger picture - a feel that is unparalleled.

What is it that i really want! I started wondering!

I want comfort and austerity at the same time!

It’s tricky.

My mother called me for breakfast and i was wondering if i should settle for dosa or should i demand for something else. She had an alternative in her mind already. I wouldn’t opt for that either. I demanded something simple and fresh in the name of austerity. That was when i felt like i was mocking myself.

The grand expectations of life from life have miraculously taken precedence over the sheer joy of the everyday! The still, the calm, the serene have made way for so much noise without me noticing it. The eye for beauty has been replaced by a cynic vision.

The quest for truth has taken detours and witnessed way too many ugly scenes in the periphery. The grandeur of the journey has taken a blow.

No matter how messy it gets, I am sure it’ll all add up to the greatness that life is!

[is this a voice of hope or wisdom I wonder!]

I shall now order for some more tea...here’s both hope and wisdom operating for you! Ha!

something vanishing

While the world turns, we go on with our little lives and try to "make it large"

We all think that we are the center of every relationship that comes our way. We soon realise that we are but playing a small role in the lives of other people. We are what others think and say we are. We exist but only in relations.

Now I see why Ayn Rand condemns selflessness calling it false and pretentious. I second her! I think, being selfish is close to being healthy.

Selflessness is a mask that we all wear. We can grow tired of it sometime when we come face to face with truth. But most of us shy away from the Truth and convince ourselves to stay there, in that limited space, forever. Haven't you seen the happy faces with tired eyes all around you? I am tired of looking for the eye with the spark in the mirror. I do not want to trust my own reflection! I often shout at it, "you are a liar!". It shouts back at me, "YOU are a liar".

Each one of us have a fantasized notion of oneself - a superhero like image! We think our ideas and actions will save the world. Tragic as it is, most of us fall short in trying to save ourselves let alone others. We always demanded a world of thinking and self righteous individuals, didnt we?

Here we are. We have built a generation on self-centered ideals and pretense.

Some of us will realise that this little ride is simply not worth the drama while some others will be tricked into the belief of achievement.

Our insignificance as a race echoes in my being; or should i say, MY insignificance as an individual echoes in my being!

There's got to be more than what appears to be true. There's got to be a deeper truth beyond pretense. There's got to be beauty in the world.

of life and times...

Some of us are happy and cheerful about the present, some of us are busy making future plans, and some of us are cribbing about the past, while some of us balance everything just fine.

Life isn’t fair, I used to tell my professor at college. She used to agree, mostly. Life isn’t fair Shruthi, she used to reassure (?).

Does life become unfair when we lose the so-called "balance" in life? Or is it us who do not recognize the rather flirtatious nature of life!

Some moments freeze and leave you wondering whether they belong to the past or the present.

Some moments run so fast; as though mimicking an episode from the future.

Sometimes your heart pounds, sometimes you feel calm and serene. And some other times, you experience it all at the same time.

And sometimes a long walk, a small conversation, a genuine smile can mean much more than luxurious drives, grand talks, and joyous laughter.

Worse still, sometimes someone's glance equals a conversation with someone else.

Unfair it seems to the untrained eye!

The early mornings on the terrace with the sun, a cup of tea and an old novel in hand.

The late nights watching the moon and the stars glow while we conspire, in pace with the universe, our life in our favour.

Good times these are!

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

My most recent discovery has been the underlying arrogance in me. Oh how good I felt when someone called my writing aggressive.

Arrogance and aggression! well, so much for being zen! ;)

reality matters...

In my quest to truth and life, I have had partial glimpses of quantum physics once in a while.

'Reality' and 'matter' are two words that pop up all the time.

Does matter exist at all? Is it all in your mind? So, does the mind exist? Who is the real seer? Can the observer be observed?

Something tells me [call it belief or conditioning] that the world is real. That reality exists. And yes, there's something that controls reality. Quantum physics believes that we are all responsible for our own reality. But I think we need to take it a step backward.

Dwaita school of philosophy believes that the Lord of Prana abides within each of us and that Lord Hari abides the Lord of Prana. So you get the 3 layer reality here.

The philosophy also states that each of us is unique, so you get where choice and free will came from. But there's also collective consciousness that plays a huge role in the world. Lord Vishnu holds us all together because he's the Ultimate observer and the One who shapes our reality.

I always thought there was a conflict. There isn't.

It all fits in better than I imagined.

[a revelation!

until, of course, I find the next one... :)
and of course, there's a lot lot more to it than what i just dotted down]

stories?!

I attended an interview today. The interview went really well. The interviewer wanted me to tell a story. A story about everything - business, life and entertainment. But he wouldn't pay me well enough. He used the word "worth" while talking about my writing. Such a person is not "worth" working for?!

Let me get to the point straight away! The interviewer lied to me throughout. I smelt things fishy from the very start. But I couldn't see any reason for him to lie. I mean I wouldn't have taken the job anyway! I knew it the moment he said interacting with my mother was a form of business too. And he also said my grand mom was Mother Earth. :P worse still, he said his thinking had a lot of depth. I couldn't help the condescension because he said my writing lacked depth after he saw a piece i wrote in 10-15 mins. [and, I thought I wrote pretty well.] The world is full of condescending and pseudo intellectuals; me included. No mercy there! :D

His business plan was to connect the world with business and money! exactly what i am against. He said religion and politics aren't good enough to bind the world. So his solution was money!

I somehow always manage to meet the most strange people of all. I have been through some of the most freaky interviews so far! they are hilarious in retrospect. Not very often do you see people walking around telling they played under Kapil Dev and that the same person is also Ram Gopal Varma! :D Yes, you heard me right!

The world.

is a farce. :D

Sometimes I wonder, what are we building our society on!? Why do we have such people running the world! I could imagine people applauding after his talk on a public forum. Those talks are not worth our time! actually, I am not angry! I pity them. yes. But nothing more. Laughed over it a li'l bit. but that's about it.

___________________________

I was having dinner while I saw a really young girl on a tv channel. She was about 7-8 and she was telling everyone that the world is unfair. She wants to be a lawyer because she wants to provide justice to those who deserve.

I was wondering when was our society built on fear! When I was 7-8, the world was green and happy! I am sure I had issues with the colour of my school bag. But I loved all people alike. This requires more thought! are we all choosing fear over love?!

Do our stories lack depth? Or are we narrating the "wrong" stories around here?

Phew! I feel too responsible to act!

I wish Bill Hicks was ACTUALLY available for children's parties!

. . .

I want to continue being an idealist though...

of futures and presents; of controls and wills

▫    Your credentials are better than what we were looking for. . .

▫    Your attitude and personality -> brilliant, keep it going!

▫    It was indeed a pleasure meeting you. We wish you the best for your career ahead.

▫    We loved you, BUT our big boss...

▫    Our institution hired someone else, would you be interested in my new start up?

▫    You are best suited for the job, BUT our head is looking for experience.

▫    Sorry, in spite of your credentials you don’t fit into what we were looking for.

▫   Sorry for now. However, we’ll keep in touch with you in case we have anything that suits you.

That’s how my Job hunt has been so far.

I had a psychic friend once. And she told me it won’t be easy. I didn't ask her but how could she hide what was in store. She told me it won’t be easy. I despised her for it seemed as though she had more control over my future than I did.

I made a huge fuss to go to the interviews. I’d somehow convince myself with the help of closed ones to go there and give the answers they liked.

Why us, they’d ask.

Because it’s YOU, I’d grin half-heartedly.

Then they’d decide my worth and stamp me a reject after a marathon meet. It’d all end with a loud cloud of tears within.

That’s how my job hunt has been so far.

I told my mom this is not what we are here for. And she said, that’s how it has been for generations. I’d disagree and she’d blame the Government. How do I explain where I stand?

I do not believe making money in order to consume goods is mankind’s sole purpose on this planet. If you’re wondering what I believe our purpose on this planet is, I’ll give you a hint…it has to do with creating and sharing.  Bill Hicks

I simply cannot believe in buying happiness. When my mom accepts defeat because we are “oh middle class”, I feel defeated to have been born. I feel sorry that my actions don’t reflect the value-rich childhood my parents have given me.

6-7-8 lackadaisical attempts to find a job and I feel unworthy already. I do realise that it doesn’t matter in the larger scheme of things. Maybe the best is still in store. I won’t let things take control over me. I shall put in my effort. The rest is left to greater forces.

.... that which we are, we are;

One equal temper of heroic hearts,

Made weak by time and fate, but strong in will

To strive, to seek, to find, and not to yield.

tennyson

of memories and pride...

All my childhood memories have traces of granny's presence. Like all fond things, I could gauge her worth only after I lost her. Her tenderness has seeped so deep into my being that I can still feel her touch, I remember the earthy fragrance around her, I can recall the taste of the many varieties of food she prepared for us with love. All this even after 10-11 years of her passing away! Every evening, she used to take me to madhwasangha for pravachana. While she listened to profound discourses inside the hall, i used to stand near the gate and dream away to glory. I used to first finish all the toffees she bought me and plan the possible escape routes if someone kidnapped me. I used to run to the main road only because I was forbidden. Ajji came out often to check on me. I had calculated the gap between each of her visits. The calculations went horribly wrong at times and I used to get caught wandering on the road. It always ended quite dramatically. She would drag me inside; I would cry aloud drawing all the attention there. That meant I could break the queue at the end of the session to reach the speaker and was of course blessed with an extra kallu sakkare (sugar crystal?) most often.

Ajji didn’t go to madhwasangha to while away her time. Nothing that she listened to disappeared in thin air. She put it all down in words. She read extensively. She compiled all the information she knew and gave it her own colour. The 10-11 books that she wrote speak for themselves. She started writing very late in her life. Not many knew that she could write. She didn’t undergo schooling. After all the hardships she underwent and emerged victorious; she wasn’t compelled to write. She had already proved her point as a woman. But she set her own standards. She has earned praises from eminent scholars. I didn’t have to go looking for ideals. There she was, in flesh and blood; here she is, still alive, in my memories. Books, plants, and children – they all earned a special place in her heart.

Her very first book just got reprinted. It is titled “Sri samanyarige Mahabharata”.

Life is a quotation

Most of us live within quotes and die within quotes.

Dream, we sure do. But do we dare to get out there and do what is needed? We all choose our little comfort zones and stay put.

Compromise is probably the way of life.

Life is mimicry, they say. And that to me is the scariest part of life. If all that we can ever be is a fragile copy, then why live at all! Our thoughts reflect others' thoughts, our opinions guided by others', our taste is determined by that of others', the grand choices and decisions of our lives are ruled by others. Their reality becomes our reality. All in all, we are under the spell of this anonymous larger-than-life 'other'.

Passion, freedom, originality - are they all mere myths?

“Slept, awoke, slept, awoke, miserable life.” Franz Kafka