and so I turned 20...

“I am blasphemy and religion, pure and impure;

Old, young, and a small child.

If I die, don’t say that she died.

Say she was dead, became alive, and was taken by the Beloved.”

Those were my exact thoughts while I was reflecting and introspecting my life so far. That’s how I want to live my life. What if I were dead this minute? Can I still say ‘I was taken by the Beloved’? I wasn’t sure. So rarely do we recognize that ‘death is an integral part of life’. And such a recognition always happens to me on my birthday. As gloomy as it may seem, I wanted this birthday to be special. I wanted to spend the last few hours of my 19th year all by myself. But I didn’t have anything in particular to do. I had to keep myself awake till 12’o clock. So I picked a book from my shelf and started reading. It was Murakami’s ‘Norwegian Wood’. The protagonists in the book also turn 20 and that’s how the book interested me. Their world didn’t reflect any bit of mine. But I kept reading, I was curious. Before I knew, I had finished half the book. I skipped my dinner thinking it’d eat up the precious last hours of my 19. I was listening to beautiful songs composed by the celebrated Daasaru. Some of the lines effortlessly sum up my life as though that’s all I’m worth – 2 lines!  I was playing ‘kemperit ambaradi’ on loop and played Swarathma’s ‘duur kinara’ every now and then.

The song claims to have found a story. I have made several such bold claims too. Time and again, I have cried at the top of my voice that I have made it HOME. I’d see a door and say ‘I’m home!’ before finding the keys to the lock. Some other times I’d say I’m home looking at an unlocked door which is latched from inside. I’d violently scream to have the door opened but I’d hear not a whisper from inside. My life’s been full of such experiences.

I was sleepy. It was not not even 11 yet. I went back to ‘Norwegian Wood’. The narrator was faintly trying to inspire the reader to think of beauty and happiness. I kept looking at the clock once in a while.

With a mattress in hand, I sneaked out to the terrace. I lay there in the chill looking at the almost-full-moon. The more I looked at the sky, the more number of tiny stars revealed themselves. I was hoping to catch sight of a falling star to make a wish. I waited patiently. I heard dogs howling at a distance while my stomach was growling in hunger. I got up and went back to my room. Tears had long dried up. It was 12:07. I curled up in my bed. ‘My clock is ten minutes fast’, was the last thought to pass by before sleep crept in. and so I turned 20. Happy Birthday to me.

To life, honesty and beyond!

We all have a choice. I’m talking about the simple things in life. Right now, it’s my choice whether to write or not. I also get to choose what I want to write. Similarly, I get to choose what I want to see in a person. I can, by all means, look at a person as a selfish creature or choose to see the diamond within.

Since its Christmas time, my class at the university decided to look at the good things in life and people around us. So, each of us chose to say NICE things about each other with as much conviction possible. The person on the spot got to hear all the flowery things from everyone in class, professors included. It was that kind of an exercise where none of us were looking to please or compete. I for one was trying to recollect the memories I have had with the others in class which was in itself a feel good experience. We were all looking for the right words to express certain things that we really couldn’t and ended up saying how everyone loves everyone. That’s what matters at the end of the day, isn’t it? There’s so much goodness in the world that we don’t really have to look for the negatives and ruin our wonderful time here.

In spite of feeling very close to everyone in class, I also felt a degree of detachment. Not in the sense that I felt lonely, but when I heard beautiful sentences thrown at me, I could see how nothing else matters but beauty and Truth. It’s astonishing how so many people had so many great things to say about you. I’m extremely happy not only because I was assured that the world likes me but because we are all capable of seeing goodness in the world. This goodness is beyond comprehension but is very evident for those who choose to see it.

Frankly, when we started the whole activity, I thought we’ll all end up cooking beautiful lies about each other. But it turned out to be entirely different. I didn’t see a single pretentious soul there. Each had the honesty that we always thrive to live up to. I realised how important everyone you meet in your life actually is. We might not consciously notice it but we are all impacted by the people in our lives at some level. And I’m extremely thankful for everyone being who they are. Now I know what it means to spread Love and Light.

Be grateful for whoever comes,

because each has been sent

as a guide from beyond.

Rumi

the quest for knowledge

modern education's got a nice ring to it...

Long ago in school, Sri Jayendrapuri Swamiji in his address to children distinguished an educated from a literate. It seemed a very obvious distinction to me back then. But now, after 9 years, I see how the lines between the two have blurred. When I say literate here, it is implied that I mean a literate in English.

Education for all is a Right. If parents don’t send their kids to school it’s considered a huge crime. NGO’s along with English graduates go to slums and teach kids English so that they can learn to “survive”. The Government with NGO tie ups have opened evening schools for women where they learn to read and write English. How absurd can we get as a society? Why would a farmer in some village want to learn how to read and write when he comes back home tired at night? Doesn't he want to spend some time with his family; sing and dance? Education is supposed to add value to life and not decide what value is.

After 16-17 years of education in ENGLISH MEDIUM schools, I have realized it was all such a waste of time and energy. At what cost? – My life, my future. The molding is in its finishing stages. The damage has been done. The final touches are pending. How could someone who has no idea of my interests and potential decide what I’m going to STUDY and how I’m going to study! I have no inclination towards Western way of living right now. I don’t care about my success or lack of it in the material world. But if I and my family have to survive, let alone live, I have no choice but to join a fair-paying MNC, sit at the desk for 8-10 hours and do something I don’t like. And to find that job, I’ll have to fit into the boxes that are prescribed, mostly undersized. In the process, many companies will stamp a “reject” on my forehead, I will probably cry for not being worthy in the society and then try really hard, learn some technical skills and join a company where a knife will always hang on my head. I will somehow manage to fool myself and the people around me that I’m good enough in the box like I have fooled throughout my education.

The anxiety children feel at constantly being tested, their fear of failure, punishment, and disgrace, severely reduces their ability both to perceive and to remember, and drives them away from the material being studied into strategies for fooling teachers into thinking they know what they really don't know.

John Holt, How Children Learn 

When a child in the east, according to his traditions, wears only a dhoti is called a half-naked urchin indicating helplessness and poverty. But when a girl in an attempt to imitate the west wears clothes that barely cover any part of her body is considered modern indicating progress and liberalism.

I’m in a society where course credits and certificates are more important than learning and personal appreciation; where children begin their introduction with the graduation degree they hold and the university they go to [me included]; where grandparents are proud to see their grandchildren have a life that they didn't even dream of; where parents are proud that their children secure ranks in schools; where teachers idealize Western methods; where well-groomed minds want to belong to the brigade of gigantic entrepreneurs in the city; where barefoot is considered a sign of poverty; where tar roads are considered a sign of progress.

We have moved from wisdom to knowledge, and now we are moving from knowledge to information – and that information is so partial that we are creating incomplete human beings.

Vandana Shiva, Schooling the World

Well, yes, the damage has been done. How do I change before I suggest that the society should change? Talking back is one weapon most academicians propose. But I don’t see why they would want to listen to me talk. So that’s not going to work. Many people return to their roots like I’m attempting to do. By turning back to the customs and traditions of my family that I left after joining college, will I be able to do all things with the same belief that my mother does? My “informed mind” won’t let me take things as they are. The innocence is lost. It’s an obligation to logically explain and conclude things. The metaphysical stance is not easily acceptable.

If you’re raised in Colorado to believe that a mountain is an inert pile of rock waiting to be mined, you’re going to have a very different relationship to that mountain from a kid from southern Peru who believes in the fiber of his being that a mountain is an Apu spirit, a protective deity, that will direct his destiny throughout life. But the interesting observation is not whether that mountain is in fact a spirit or whether it’s just a pile of dirt – the interesting observation is how the education system into what that mountain is creates a different human being with a different relationship to the earth. 

Wade Davis, Schooling the World

Compassion and Love taught at home through religion perhaps can never be the same as taught in a moral science class. Cleanliness and the complexities of energy can never be taught in a formal setting as our "holistic education" classes. How can Lord Vishnu and his divine creation feature in a science textbook? Education only teaches us how to exploit nature while religion and traditional ways of teaching teaches us that we have a symbiotic relationship with nature.

So what has education done? In Wiesel’s words: "It emphasized theories instead of values, concepts rather than human beings, abstraction rather than consciousness, answers instead of questions, ideology and efficiency rather than conscience."

What Is Education For? By David Orr is a classic read which gives us solutions for pressing questions.

beyond the ideal...

The Sunday that just passed by was a revelation to me. What a day it was!
Long story put short....

I had only heard of Love. But I witnessed it that day when thousands of devotees came together, cried like children, and pleaded their beloved Satyatma Tirtha Swamiji not to leave the town. Impersonal love is probably the most beautiful love that one can be in. Such devotion, such love, such celebration, such affection...I had never seen such a thing before.

300 four-wheelers had lined up in front of the temple in Bangalore to accompany Swamiji to Devarayana Durga hills. I had no plans of going there. But plans changed in a minute and I was on board with young devotees to go the hills. We went there had Darshan, took Swamiji's blessings and left the premise. It was one such day when things fell into place without any effort from my side....

Devarayana Durga Hills
Photo Courtesy: Sanjeev Gumaste

There were more than a thousand devotees there and I had never gone to Devarayana Durga so late in the night and never with so many devotees. You can imagine the chaos there, with all the pomp they had to bid him goodbye which they did. In spite of all that "chaos", I felt a calm deep down within me. A silence which no external noise could manage to break. I felt like I belonged there. It was not the people and their smiles, it was not the place, it was not the rains, it was not the darkness outside....it was perhaps all of this put together. It's not what I used to call bliss before. It was something beyond everything and yet very grounded. I caught misty eyes at the end of it all. I wasn't sad. No, I wasn't happy either. It was magical nonetheless.

The world around me was as real as it could get. It was a divine world with chants and songs and melody in the hearts. It was nowhere close to the ideal. It was way beyond the ideal. It was Divine.

“In the silence between your heartbeat

bides a summons.

Do you hear it?

Name it if you must, or leave it forever nameless.

But why pretend it is not there?”

Sri Satyatma Vani

I was asked to contribute to Satyatmavani [a forum where devotees write in short what they understand from daily pravachana].
I’m awestruck. How can so many upakathas be stringed together so well? And this is only a small li’l portion in the vaaaaast ocean of Mahabharata.

Shri Satyatma Vani 23

(20th September 2012) 

|| Satyatma Modatanayam Pranamaami Nityam ||

ನಿನ್ನ ಒಲುಮೆಯಿಂದ...

Previously we heard from His Holiness Paramapujya Sri Sri Sri 1008 Sri SatyatmaTirtha Swamiji that Ashtavakra defeated Bandhi. Kohla, his father, blesses him for saving so many noble lives. Ashtavakra takes bath in Samangala nadi [previously called madhuvala nadi] by which all his vakrate is washed away. This is symbolic of all our non-vedic practices. Lomasha advises Yudishtira to take a dip in the Samangala River. Yudishtira might have no physical impairment but he’s walking a weary walk in the forest having lost his kingdom.

After the holy dip, they move on to MainAka parvata where vinashana tirtha resides. This is the place where Kashyapa blessed Aditi with children. Her children were devata(s). If one climbs the hill on which Aditi’s children were born, one will rule their kingdom like Aadityaru ruled the world. Ganga flowed from one of the Kanakhala hills there. Lomasha asks Yudishtira to leave two things in the ashram of a rishi named Sthulashira.

1.         Ahankara

2.         Khroda

If we intend to do sadhana in the path of vairagya, we should leave behind Ego and Anger when we visit a tirtha kshetra.

Lomasha narrates a story to elaborate further the causal effect of Ego and Anger.

Raibhya rishi and Bharadwaja rishi were fellow scholars. They were equals in terms of knowledge; but Raibhya rishi had more followers. Rabhya rishi’s shishya sampattu and the respect that he received from his students raised questions in Yavakrita’s mind. Yavakrita was Bharadwaja’s son. A guru is revered for his sthana; for the fact that all jnaana flows through him. Yavakrita thought a wicked thought. He wanted to disturb the traditions followed from time unknown. He sat amidst a circle of fire for penance. When Indra appeared, he asked for a boon in which all people of earth can learn all knowledge without any help from a guru. Indra did not agree. You need to work hard; till the land, sow the seed in order to reap the benefit. [Elders have always told us that the real joy is in the journey not the destination.]

The luxuries in life have made people lazy…but everyone wants to be happy and rich. [Success comes before work only in the dictionary.] What we consider progress with all the fancy technology in this Kali Yuga is a great delusion.

Lord Indra explains to Yavakrita thus,

Guruvina gulama-naaguva tanaka doreyadanna mukuti.

Yavakrita doesn’t learn his lesson. Sits for penance, Indra refuses to grant the boon again.

Stubborn still, Yavakrita continues his penance. This time he sacrifices his body parts one after the other in agni. Indra thinks of a plan. Indra, disguised as an old Brahmin, sits on the Ganga River bank and begins to throw handfuls of sand into the river. Surprised by this act, Yavakrita asks his purpose. Indra tells Yavakrita that he wants to help the people of the world by building a bridge over River Ganga. Yavakrita laughs at the foolish act for which the old man replies:

yathaiva bhavatA chedam tapo vedArthamudyatam

ashakyam tadvadasmAbhihi ayaM bhAraH samudyataH

The same way, only a Guru can build a bridge for you. To build it on your own is like throwing sand in the powerful currents of the Ganges when even huge boulders will not disturb the course of the flow.

Yavakrita tries to negotiate in the last minute. Indra confers him and his father Bharadwaja with all the knowledge without having to learn from a guru.

Ahankara follows that which is achieved without effort. The end cannot justify the means. Dasaru has asked Goddess Lakshmi to come slowly so that her devotees will value every rupee.

ಹೆಜ್ಜೆಯ ಮೇಲೊಂದು ಹೆಜ್ಜೆಯನಿಕ್ಕುತ

ಭಾಗ್ಯದ ಲಕ್ಷ್ಮಿ ಬಾರಮ್ಮ

As and when people put in effort come closer; wealth has to grow steadily.

Bharadwaja narrates a story to his son as a precautionary measure [As we shall see, it doesn’t help]. Once Valadhi rishi performs penance for his son, Medhavi. He asks Surya-Indra to bless his son to be alive forever. They did not agree. Cleverly, he asks them to grant him ayushya till the moment the great mountains shake. Medhavi subjects many yogis to trouble. He is of the opinion that death will not come to him. Dhanukaksha rishi cannot take his torture anymore and gives him a shApa to die immediately. His yogic powers shake the mountain and Medhavi dies. That’s what ahankara can do to a person.

Youth, boon, arrogance, pride has taken a toll over Yavakrita. He visits Raibhya rishi’a ashram. Raibhya rishi had two sons: Paravasu and Aravavasu.

Paravasu’s wife is alone in the ashram. Yavakrita is head over heals for her beauty. He misbehaves with her. Raibhya rishi enters just in time and curses Yavakrita to die. Raibhya rishi created Krutya and a Rakshasa from his jaTe to have Yavakrita killed.

Not able to digest the news of his son’s death, Bharadwaj rishi curses Raibhya. As per the curse, Paravasu mistakes his own father to be a deer and kills him. As requested by his elder brother, Aravavasu performs yajna instead of Paravasu to be free of both brahmahatya and pitruhatya.

Paravasu is not rid of his karma. He further blames Aravavasu for having committed brahmahatya. Aravavasu does a penance and is blessed with many boons,

• His father, Raibhya rishi, wakes up from death
• His father fails to remember that Paravasu killed him
• Yavakrita is called back
• Bharadwaja who died in the funeral pyre of his son is also called back to life.

The main cause for all the mishappenings was Yavakrita. He gained knowledge without guru’s anugraha and tried to upset the natural flow of things.

He later learnt under a guru for 48 years [as opposed to the usual 12 years as brahmachari under a guru].

what did we learn:

1.         Work hard. Do not take shortcuts. Because there aren’t any.

2.         Leave Ahankara and Khroda far behind in order to further the journey along the road of dharma, jnana, bhakti, virakti.

3.         Smartness doesn’t account for if we haven’t learnt from a guru. Translated works of the sacred texts will not help in the path of sadhana.

4.         A guru is important because he’s a teacher, not merely a facilitator.

5.         Serve your guru. Seek his blessings.

6.         Gurumukhadina satshastra puranava nirutadi kelutiru

[Apologies if I haven’t used the appropriate words.]

Here's the link to the Upanyasa:

http://www.ustream.tv/recorded/25554924

|| bhAratIramaNa mukhyapraNAntargata shrI kR^iShNArpanamastu ||

the answer is within…

I’m at the peak of cognitive dissonance. That is when there’s a discrepancy between your ideal self and your real self. Looking at my constant dissonance my parents are concerned, so am I.

I do not know what I want. I do not know what I need inside myself. I do not know what I need outside myself either. I know I want to learn. But I don’t know where to go.

My father always tells me [more so now than before] that work is worship. He believes that whatever work you are assigned is to be done with utmost devotion and sincerity. God will be pleased by your work and not just by you going to the temple and offering your prayers. Praise him through your work. Surrender to him. How? By accepting all the work that comes your way because that is the purpose with which Hari has sent you here.

My argument has always been that…why will Hari send us here to do materialistic work? Do we gain his anugraha by doing our work or is it regardless of how we work? Aren’t we all here to take the righteous path of jnaana bhakti and virakti? Jnaana, bhakti, virakti are but a pratibimba of the Lord himself. If we are drowned in worldly matters how can we embark on a wonderful sattvic journey?

All this conflict is negated the moment we believe ‘nAham kartA hariH kartA'

“All despair is followed by hope; all darkness is followed by sunshine.”

the beauty called mind...

My thoughts used to run wild and my stomach craved for anything and everything I saw. I wanted to control my mind. So, all this while I was madly in search of that place where no mind stays or goes.

Today, I have understood how important the mind is. I have learnt to honour it. I didn't create the mind. It has always been there. It is immortal like the soul. It has something very charming in it. The mind connects everything. It gives meaning to life. Yes, it's the mind that wanders in all directions and causes grief. But, it's the same mind that removes us from the world of appearances and guides us to the real world of bhakti and jnaana.

The rather new gift, as I keep saying, that I have received is the religion that I was born into. It is never too late to know, explore, learn, and live. When I used to say, I want to control my mind...it was the ego speaking. CONTROL - should have told me the story but it didn’t.

Now, I can see how beautiful a creation the mind is. God has given me a mind like he has given you a mind. My mind and your mind can obviously not work on the same conditions. But by understanding that everything is given to us by Him and that He is the Lord of all, there will be peace in the world.

"Religion is not a department of life; it is something that enters the whole of it."

I’m only hoping that my mind grows in the direction that it is growing. I hope and pray that religion is not ‘just a phase’ of my life…but my life itself.

|| मम स्वामि हरिर्नित्यं सर्वस्य पतिरेवच ||

constant conflict...

I have no virtues – none whatsoever. I'm not as valiant as Draupadi nor am I as noble as Ahalya. To start anew on a clean state is an easy thing. In fact quite adventurous. But when you have a whole load of dirt to wipe off before you start is not only a hideous task but also frustrating. It was easy for Draupadi…she could call for help and the Lord would hear her call. It was easy for Ahalya too…she knew that by the touch of Lord Ram she would come to life all over again. Both of them had their conflicts…which were resolved. They were promised that their conflicts would be resolved and they had the faith. I’m told I should look up to them for inspiration. I do look up to them with all earnestness. And…the conflicts only heighten. I don’t have the faith that they did – not even 1% of it.

Sri Satyatma Teertharu, the other day, said something very intriguing. What do you ask God? You ask him to protect you and the world around you. You ask him to bless you with happiness, health and knowledge. You ask him for vairagya. You ask him for mukthi/ moksha. You could also ask him for specific things in life…basically you ask him for what you don’t have. By showering you with all that you want, how is the Lord benefitting? He has everything. He has all the riches in the world. He doesn’t need anything from you. But, Swamiji said there’s something that the Lord doesn’t have – Bhakti. Yes, Bhakti. There’s no one above him. He doesn’t have to fold his arms or bend his head in devotion. Look at Dhruva, look at Prahalada. They were kids. Why did the Lord answer their call? Because they were his unsurpassed devotees.

click to listen

The more bhakti you have it’s more likely that He’ll hear you. Now we know why the Lord heard Draupadi and Ahalya. The only virtue I aspire for is that of bhakti.

Imagined Independence...

There were times when I felt I was free from dependence, when I thought I was doing everything according to my whims and fancy. Not until I realised that none of us are independent. Dependence is what we are born into. To call ourselves independent is foolishness at its peak. As Sri MadhwAcharya says, 'nAham kartA hariH kartA', I'm not the doer, Lord Hari is. Or Like Mooji says, we are only painting a painting by God. What about individuality, you may ask. We should remember that each one is given a different canvas to paint on. And each canvas has a different painting. That makes the world colourful, interesting, meaningful and blissful. If all colours are one, the painting will lose its charm and purpose. There's a growing trend which says that the world is an illusion, nothing exists, and all are one. If all were one, there would be no spice in life. Where's the scope for improvisation? To explain away the world seems to be the simplest way out of a situation. To say that the painter doesn’t exist leaves no scope for further introspection. There is only bliss, BUT there is no one to experience the bliss -- how can that be? Bliss exists only when there is someone who can experience it. 

Almost full moon

I feel so blissful. I was gazing at the moon for hours together. Why not a quick blog update i thought and rushed down from my terrace to tell you how wonderful I'm feeling right now. Full moon's a day away and the moon looks absolutely divine. It is that night when the moon isn't quite a perfect circle; when it's not unblemished white; when it's not trying to win hearts; when it's in complete harmony with everything around; when it's not flawless and yet content with what it is. It's one such night when I can actually connect to nature. The orange-ish clouds were moving with such grace...how do I explain. For the first time, I was looking at the moon with a sense of tranquility and little excitement. I used to usually get bewildered by the full moon on a starry night. But now, I feel calm and blessed to be able to admire such beauty. It's just the way it ought to be. I shall head back to the terrace. It's almost full moon, do catch a glimpse.

When I admire the wonders of a sunset or the beauty of the moon, my soul expands in worship of the creator.

Mahatma Gandhi

concord of mind

I see myself returning to what I was earlier. I can no longer fake peace. I can no longer fake smile. I was happy and satisfied when I was myself without having to worry about anyone or anything. I was so much happier when I could think freely without being called philosophical; when I could enjoy my walk without being called a zen practitioner; when I could have my say without having to attribute that thought to someone "great"; when I could read what I wanted without being called spiritual; when I could spread light and love without being called a "star-seed"; when I could appreciate things for what they were from a distance without the awareness of it being the "first step" to "enlightenment". I was happy the way I was: ignorant and easily pleased.

Things are not the same anymore. I don't intend to either DO philosophy or BE spiritual. I don't intend to look at the world through rose coloured glasses, nor do I intend to look at life through rainbow coloured eyes like many suggest.

There is a shift in the way i'm seeing things. I consider this to be a new beginning. All I want to do is breathe the air, drink the drink, share a smile and celebrate.

© Shilpa Nagraj

beyond the tenacious quest for enlightenment

I look around and all I see is pretense. where has the zest for life disappeared? There are people who pretend to be living, intelligent, spiritual, involved, responsible, happy, caring, religious, 'doing' philosophy, and there are others who put up an 'I dont care' attitude.

"The World is like a ride in an amusement park, and when you choose to go on it you think it's real, because that's how powerful our minds are," they say.

'Get over it,' - I tell myself now 'Dont get caught in this bottomless pit.'

I desperately want to get over these seemingly intelligent questions like what is life? what it means to live? What is reality? what is truth - the larger truth? I have grown to despise and detest such questions. I'm longing to see the naked truth. The hidden Truth behind the beautiful masks. I feel numb and maladjusted to my environment. I hate myself to have been caught in the tenacious quest for enlightenment. To say I had a Buddha moment is different from actually having been through a Buddha moment. I curse the many days i spent reading spiritual texts and thinking that life here is temporary. I was stupid enough to believe I'll be jeevanmukt and that I don't have to worry about the happenings around me. By thinking that the world is an illusion, I was caught in another sort of illusion without even realizing. An illusion nonetheless. How frivolous could I have been... Today when I see the 'new agers' I loathe those fake smiles and words.

I hate myself for having broken down every line of poems and 'great' lines to make meaning out of them; to read the multiple texts that lay behind words; between lines...unwritten...forgotten perhaps...

Having lost all the innocence, I still sense a ray of hope in me. I might not like to be addressed  as Shakti or Spirit or Light, but I should admit I have learnt quite a bit along the journey. With these learnings I look forward to witness the rising horizon very soon. When? how? I have no clue.

the quest

As I sit down to write I feel weak and frustrated. I do not know where I am heading. I do not know where I come from. I do not know where I am at the present moment. I'm lost and lonely. My life is nowhere close to what I imagined it to be. I wanted to fly merrily in my backyard and at the same time conquer far away lands. The fresh breeze in my country as I imagined would embrace me and the flower would bloom at my arrival. The exotic virgin lands would open its arms and share its secrets with me. The endless night sky would wait for me to enjoy a view of it while I rest on the calm seashore. The clear water of the ever-flowing rivers never missed to make it to my dreams. Now I look back and I laugh at my imaginings as I struggle to crawl in my backyard to look at the glory of the vast world on my computer screen. Who do I think I am? Someone from the royal family? What right do I have to dream, and dream so big?
It's not that I have given up chasing dreams. it's just that my dreams have blurred. I used to have such clear cut plans and goals for life. I was in class 8 when I decided I wanted to study literature for life and be a journalist for a living. But now, I don't know what I want to do. I have both literature and journalism at my disposal to explore and exploit. But a dampness has crept in. Even my short term plans are vague and mostly miss the point. I  have absolutely no long term plans. To think I'm going with the flow is foolishness. For there's no flow at all. My life's stagnated and I'm worried. I'm clueless.
One thing I know for sure. I'm not here to pay the bills, follow orders, have a family, grow old, and die. That's not why I'm here. The problem being, I'm not super intelligent to invent something out of thin air and make a living out of it. I have no idea why I'm here. Everyone has a purpose in life, the wise say. What is mine? I'm scared I'll never find out what mine is. I'm scared I'll drift away from the quest for life and its purpose. The heavy storm seems too close. And I might not make it to the shore. I'm more apprehensive than ever. There's not one field that I can call my own. No expertise in a single field. What kind of a life is this! I don't want to be a literature student who manages finance in an NGO and gets a heavy pay.

As I attempt a feeble look within my worn out self, I feel as though the entire world is conspiring against my wellness. I believe there's light. I'm hoping to catch the traces of light if not all of it.

the quest for light

Non-Ontological Existence

Does Love exist?

Does Order exist?

Does Light exist?

Does 'science' exist?

Does Peace exist?

Does thought exist?

Do YOU exist?

Nine out of ten people on the streets will answer "yes" to the questions posed above.

But...if you ask

'Does GOD exist? and Does RELIGION exist?,'

they'll say it does not.

They’ll say 'God is created by humans and so is religion. It is an illusion.'

To declare you are atheist has become the 'in' thing. Even within spiritual circles they talk about ‘no religion.’ ‘All are one. We all belong to one religion called LOVE.’

The Marxist criticism on religion goes like this:

"Religion is the sigh of the oppressed creature, the heart of a heartless world, and the soul of soulless conditions. It is the opium of the people."

My question being, Is opium all that bad?

No, seriously. Is it? You can ask a certain Samuel Taylor Coleridge about it.

What does a religion do? Religion promotes love, peace, togetherness, compassion, faith, devotion, surrender, satisfaction, happiness, bliss. That's the very nature of human being - which every individual is striving to attain. Then why is there so much spoken against religions? It has always intrigued me as to why people miss to see the beauty in religion. It is almost shocking. It could be true that I speak with a certain religious ideological influence. But spare some time and hear me out in the series of articles that I'll come up with over the course of time. I'm not trying to force my ideologies on you. I'm only trying to show you various possibilities in case you haven't thought of it already. At the end of it all, each her own way :)

People think it's ridiculous to talk about religion in the present day context. And I think it’s ridiculous not to talk of it. When one cannot understand or comprehend a certain phenomena, they become repulsive. The anger or fear is simply due to the unknown. Metaphysics is a field that tries to explain the inexplicable. Kant says that religion is based on morality. I disagree. I’m not denying that morality is a part of religion. However, that’s not the basis of it. For me, religion is a perfect balance of transcendence and realism. Kant also talks about something called rational metaphysics. It may sound absurd at first as it did to me. I assume that's what religion is. Religion tries to explain and understand what we cannot and in the journey we discover and experience 'Godness'.

A general opinion is that to follow a religion is to follow the crowd. But that is not true. If you consider Dvaita philosophy of religion, the very crux of it talks about individuality. Sri Madhwacharya has said that there's duality not only between jeevatma and paramatma but between all souls. He says that each person is unique and enlightenment is achieved through individual consciousness.

Religious rituals, 'atheists' say, are nothing more than dogmas. They are followed in blind faith. One of the rituals we Hindus follow is to sing to the Lord. There's a story that I was told as a kid which explains why God lives where there's music. Let's not get to that story. But I'll narrate a real-life story. There's this boy I saw. He is about 12 years old now. He never had the gift of speech. Physically handicapped at birth. He has no IQ or EQ is what the doctors told. There was no hope left for the little boy. One day, this boy was left on his own in a room for a few minutes and there was a record playing. The record was 'dasara padagaLu' sung by Sri Mysore Ramchandrachar. The boy gained speech and now expresses emotions. He cannot read or write. He knows more than a hundred devotional songs by heart. The doctors have no idea how that happened. It is a miracle. Let’s say it - God's grace! I'm sure all of you have seen at least one such miracle in front of your own eyes. How do you explain that? What is it if not proof for God's existence?

Oh by the way, Kant in his Critique of Judgement says: 'Those who have recommended the singing of spiritual songs as part of the family prayers did not consider how great a discomfort they impose on their audience with this noisy and hence usually Pharisaical worship, because they force their neighbours either to sing along or to interrupt their intellectual labours.'

The Western world is so caught up in the so called world of knowledge that they don't have time for wisdom.

Coming back to rituals. One, there are things that are scientific and hence made part of a religious doctrine. For example, going to the temple is considered auspicious because temples are supposed to be built along the grid of the Earth. They are energy centers of the planet. To visit a place full of positive energy increases your healthy aura. The ringing of the bells and the shlokas chanted add on to the atmosphere. Two, shlokas are arranged in a scientific manner. It doesn't matter even if one doesnt know the actual meaning of a shloka, it'll still prove effective. As Kant himself says (I might have taken this out of context), the 'immediate experience' leads to 'super-sensible reality.' Perform the rituals and then see for yourself whether or not you are in an elevated state of consciousness.

In the next article I'll try to cover more topics in greater detail.

'Don't be so open-minded that your brains fall out.' - Richard Dawkins

emotions recollected in tranquility...

All of a sudden, my childhood amnesia seems to have lifted. I remember taking part in a Hindi poem recitation competition in class 5 or 6. Today, after 8-9 years, I could recollect all the lines of the poem. 'Gulab' was the title of the poem. I don't remember who the poet was though. The last stanza talks to me like no other:

wah dekho kaante hai isme;

eb nahi duniya mein kisme.

tum ebon par dhyaan na de;

vidya seekh sabhi se le.

[forgive the errors :D]

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talking of roses,

I read somewhere that a little bit of fragrance always clings to the hands that gives roses.

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talking of giving,

in life...there are things that are best left alone. It's not wise to change the course of a stream. Let if flow where it wants. Some things are meant to be the way they are. The force of nature cannot be controlled. Let go. I have embarked on the journey of letting go, have you? :) For there's no point in clinging on to memories, dreams, and even people.

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To Nature

by Samuel Coleridge

It may indeed be fantasy when I

Essay to draw from all created things

Deep, heartfelt, inward joy that closely clings;

And trace in leaves and flowers that round me lie

Lessons of love and earnest piety.

So let it be; and if the wide world rings

In mock of this belief, it brings

Nor fear, nor grief, nor vain perplexity.

So will I build my altar in the fields,

And the blue sky my fretted dome shall be,

And the sweet fragrance that the wild flower yields

Shall be the incense I will yield to Thee,

Thee only God! and thou shalt not despise

Even me, the priest of this poor sacrifice.

when Mr.X got on my nerves...

There is this "spiritual person" whom I know from a very young age. He supposedly turned to spirituality after having experienced it all in the fields of science and Mathematics! Well, yes...he's a genius! This is not meant to be filled with hatred. I really do respect him for the choices he has made in life. Having said that, I have certain issues with certain "new age" concepts which this person also happens to uphold.

Mr.X has had God experience. He has clearly told me that I will require another 20 years [minimum] to have the same experience because I'm filled with kalmasha or dirt. I was pure when I was born...and to attain the same purity again I will need a lot of time. I am too involved in this world for a 19 year old is what he said. Basically, he made me feel like shit. I said yes, I'm sad and the whole of me is dirt. so, thank you! No, it wouldn't end there! He told me everything is love...I said yes, all is love; love is all; Love-Truth; Truth beauty. He said his grand child wouldn't understand it for it's too complex! and that life is simple! My mind is too corrupt and that it will take a looong time before it got rid of the conditioning! He told me everything is shunya and anantha at the same time. I said yes. He told me that nirantara smarane is contemplating about God every moment. I said, in that case we cannot live in this materialistic world. He told me we are the universe and the universe is in us. For an "unrealized" soul like me it sounds too out-of-the-world concept and I said may be that's true but our reality is a collective reality. He said that is non-sense because we make no difference. Later, he said he wants to make a difference by awakening at least one soul. For each person's doing has an impact whether we realize it or not. [Well, I thought I said the exact same thing when I spoke of collective reality]. I told him there's too much noise in the world...he said you are too caught up and your mind has taken over you. He told me God created nature in perfect balance and I told him God created us too...we are in perfect balance. We are pure. He told me no one can be helped and no one can receive help. I said no one needs help. He said he had a problem with me because I'm caught up with unnecessary jargons and big words! But I think he is too caught up in life because he thinks we are made of dirt due to consumerism and education.

If you want to have an ego-trip...I'm no guest house. sorry!

He was irritated by my words and I by his. Why? It's not that I don't agree with what he said. I actually do. I do agree that we live in perfectly harmonious world. I do agree that unlearning is the greatest wisdom ever. BUT aren't we all made of the same elements? Then why bring in a hierarchy? Why say you will take time to reach such and such level of spirituality? We are all spiritual beings no matter what we think we are! There cannot be specified steps to enlightenment! I'm not an "enlightened" being. The desire for enlightenment is what has kept me going! No other desire stands. I don't want to aimlessly fly about like a kite without manja and land nowhere. The result of enlightenment could be the fact that there's nothing - all is shunya...but there has to be a beginning, right?!
Please, for God's sake don't force your ideas on me! You can share with me your experiences. I will give you both my ears. I am a very patient listener. I appreciate your way simply because it has worked for you so far. But don't condemn my way and call yours THE ONLY WAY!!

the feeling I feel

mostly confused

scared

sick

healed

secure

energized

weakened

lost

happy

blissful

loved

^ all at once.

...like the warmth of winter's sun; like the freshness of morning wind; like the quietness of deep blue sea; like the vastness of the sky; like a rainbow's cozy hug; like a magical snowfall never seen; like a bright star that always cared; like a huge tree that always loved; like the light that forever shines; like the wind that delights; like the kiss of rain; like a whisper in a dream; like a film too real; like bliss that never was; like a touch so pure; like a path newly discovered; like eternal silence...

perhaps there is someone [whom I have known from the beginning of time] out there somewhere feeling the same feeling as I.

Moving with the clouds my dreams say ‘hello’

For my eyes catch the stars that *glow*

One day I’ll just let it all go

– the dreams that show

And hold onto the stars I know...


[random thoughts randomly expressed]

Things I do during exams

Dream!

Plan my future

Sleep

Listen to music non-stop

Check status updates on facebook

Count the number of ‘likes’ on my dp [just in case fb got it wrong]

Read old messages sent by a friend

Check fb inbox for no particular reason

Ponder over issues that don’t exist

Wonder if the world is as lovely as I think it is

Expect surprises

Read cards that friends sent ages ago

Random browsing which takes me places

Google search famous quotes

Watch the Spirit Science series again

Refurnish the to-read book list

Memorize the Fibonacci sequence

Wish I was good at numbers

Count the number of teeth that still remain

Buy a new pen for each exam [btw, I bought this scented pen yesterday - it doesn’t write]

Wish I had done some extra reading before [when I haven’t even touched the required reading portion]

And now, blog!

Anything but studies K

And finally, Forgive myself!! :)